I Won’t Miss 2019

Cheers to pushing the reset button

Photo by: Amy Shamblen

I watched John Mulaney’s new children’s show parody and one song in particular resonated with me:

I saw a white lady standin’ on the street just sobbin’

And I think about it once a week

It was two years ago

Christmas time, foot of snow

Passing through Union Square

And I saw this crying white lady just kinda standin’ there.

I’m the white lady who has been spotted sobbing about town. It’s unlikely a kid has spiraled into an existential daydream while watching me, but I have gotten a few sympathetic looks, from time to time.

There are some years you don’t want to end and others you can’t wait to say “Bye Felicia” to. 2019 has been a “Bye Felicia” kind of year. Within the span of 365 days, I’ve lost people I love, seen others suffer from chronic illness, stared down monsters from my own past and felt ongoing grief over broken things I’m unable to fix. I’ve been a walking bruise of sorts and all of the gnarly hues have put my inner hurt on full display.

The only thing that has kept me going is God. It sounds crazy, but I know its him because I’m still grateful, in spite of the sadness. Unexpected pockets of joy have appeared, my new niece being one of them. Fresh mercy has propped me up every morning, no matter how low I was the night before. Love and light have stubbornly sought me out in the dark. I’ve realized I’m far braver and stronger than I give myself credit for.

If you’ve had a “Bye Felicia” kind of year, you’re not alone. Life can be really hard and messy. Oftentimes, the toughest person to be kind to is yourself.

So, remember to be kind to yourself.

Don’t continue to run on empty.

Show yourself some grace, dammit.

The prayer I’m praying as I stroll through the park (one last lap for the crying white lady) is that 2020 be the Year of Newfound Happiness and Wholeness. I choose to believe it because believing is half the battle.

Happy New Year, friends.

Essayist. Storyteller for brands. Ride or die Brooklynite. addiestuber.com

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